That hit me hard. Thrilled. Yes, indeed thrilled that another young soul found her way to my book and desired to share her heart with me about what's going on in her life. These are the moments that I live for. I love one on one chats like this.
But what struck so hard was that I am approaching these years with my oldest daughter. Really fast. She just turned 13 and I find it difficult to know when to speak and when to listen. Well, when to listen really. I don't listen well with her. It's funny how easily I can manage a deep, intimate conversation with a stranger yet it is foreign territory with my own daughter at times.
I so desperately want our relationship to be different. I want her to come to me about ANYthing. Yet when that moment comes(and they come often when I'm least expecting it) I blow it! I throw in my "parenting two cents" and blow it!
I sat across the café table listening to this sweet young soul who then said to me, " I want my mom to get excited over what I'm excited over. Why does she have to always parent me? Can't she just simply say 'wow honey that is so exciting. How did that make you feel?' Does she always have to have a teaching moment?"
Yikes. That one hit hard, yet again. That's me. I feel like I always have to have a "teaching" moment with my daughters.
In my defense, I am a homeschool mom and sometimes "teacher" is hard to turn off.
It reminded me of something that happened about a year ago. My lovely, brave, adorable daughter came to me and opened up her heart and said she felt like she had a crush on a boy. I was sooooo unprepared. Blindsided. Then the words came out.
"Well honey, these feelings are normal but it's too early to be acting on these emotions right now. It's not like your gonna marry the kid."
REALLY? Did that just come out of my mouth? Here I am a speaker, an author, a mentor on THESE VERY subjects and THIS is the advise I give my OWN daughter??
My mind went right back to this story as this girl said the words to me, "why can't my mom just get excited over what I'm excited about?"
Yep. I was her mom in this story. I felt like I was talking to my own daughter but through this girl. It could have been MY daughter sitting there with her vulnerable heart open.
So then it got me thinking. If only I could go back to that sweet moment with my daughter and say, " wow, honey that is so exciting. How does that make you feel? What is this boy like?"
If THIS was the response I gave her, I would then be opening up the door to future vulnerable moments like this with her. Trust would happen. She would feel understood because I understood. I mean, come on! We've ALL had "crushes". I just needed to let her talk through hers. The "teaching" moment would come....later. But this moment is rare and sweet and needs to just simply be heard.
Our daughters want our undivided attention in these moments. Our listening ears need to be open and our mouths shut to instruct. They also need to see that we get it. We've been there. Then we need to share our own stories with them. OUR vulnerable hearts need to be open and ready. They sooooo desperately want to hear from us. Not as "teachers" but as girls with stories too.
I'm so glad that I've had more opportunities to listen. She's trusted me with her heart once again. And I'm listening even more now. Because she needs me to. A past mommy failure moment won't stop me from trying again. So mom's, if your having a hard time talking to your daughter...don't give up. She needs you. Keep your vulnerable heart open and ready.
And daughters, if you just can't talk to your mom for whatever reason, be sure to find a Godly woman that you can talk to. Her wisdom will be very valuable to you. Then open up you vulnerable hearts ladies. Be honest. We all struggle with the same things so let's start REALLY talking about it!
My beautiful daughter and I last summer
